This was a statement I read recently in an article published in the New York Times. I am curious to know if you agree or disagree with this statement?
One of the main reasons there are so few black marriages is that there are so many black men who are financially incapable of supporting a family.
Signed,
Married to a black man who is incapable of being incapable.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
black, family, finances, incapable, marriages, New York Times, reasons
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There a couple of things that come to my mind when I read this:
1. Since when did it become the husband's job to financailly support a family all alone? My grandmothers have always worked, both my mother and mil have worked, and I have always worked. It has never entered my reality that financial responsibility for our family is my husband's issue. (Just as taking care of the children and cleaning the house is not only my issue.)
2.I wonder what the criteria is for rendering someone financially incapable of supporting a family? Is it that we can't afford (or chooses not to afford) a fancy car, the biggest house on the block, or the most expensive entertainment options? More often than not, men can afford to support the family, but "the family" wishes we were supporting them more with the "finer" things.
The statement was from an article that mentioned the high dropout rate among African American men. That many who drop out of school and never graduate nor go on to higher education are forced to work low paying jobs thereby leaving them incapable of supporting a family. The sad part is, it becomes a vicious and often endless cycle of poverty. The contention is, if there were fewer black men dropping out, and more atriculating to universities the state of the black 'union' would be alot better because the earning potential of educated black men doubles!
The truth is you decide your relationship and marriage reasons. A life of truth and value doesn’t change your identity in relationship. Lets’ unpolluted the heart and mind that flesh and money make a great relationship or marriage? Most recent check it was not the main ingredient but certain an added benefit. Today core element is he truthful, and family supporting and a good custodian. Number one you recognize what keep and make you work. Then live and have a conformed and transformed abundant relationship and marriage with a few self affirmations.
A. Be optimistic
B. Maintain sober and healthy relationship
C. Sustain regularly stimulating and challenging conversation
D. Pray, work and play with passion
E. Team with someone who makes you laugh
F. Laugh out loud and smile often
G. Balance work with restoration
H. Revive and replenish mental and physical every seven day
I. Be a giver and expect nothing in return
J. Enjoy life have integrity and compassion
Roman 12: 2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old thing are past away; behold, all things are become new.
It is standing and trusting God promise that helps us sustain a joyful and trust worthy life
That's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. It's really a good thing that people, some people, don't believe everything they read or hear. If he's trying to have 10 children a wife that doesn't work and making 30K a year, that might be a problem.
To the woman married to incapable:
You are part of a team. If one part of the team is dysfunctional, the team is dysfunctional. The first and most deadly sign that you will not be in this marriage much longer is that you have donned the robes of judgment and stand in high criticism of the man. Secondly, as you have here you are voicing a very static and unchangeable opinion with the word, 'incapable'.
There is much that is dangerous about this circumstance but the most of the danger resides in you. If this is your statement, your belief about your husband, this is also the information you are entering into his ears and eyes-both input portals of his biological yes, but still-computer. Meaning-You're programming his failure and the failure of your marriage with word and deed.
This deadly programming is epidemic among African American women. It makes it nearly impossible to get a mate, not even to mention keeping one. If you want a positive result from your computer, you have to give it positive input. To program somebody else's computer with negative input is like giving it a virus. Even if that is what you found when you got there, you won't get any better results by reinforcing negative programming.
Start with your vows. For better or worse. Suggest training and job support options available in your community. Show this man your care for him by going out of your way to encourage him to improve himself. Avoid, at all cost, negative reinforcement. It could become violently dangerous. If jobs at 8-10 dollars per hour aren't cutting it [not unusual at all]study his real interests, talents, abilities and suggest an independent business. Support him in it.
Finally, assess you as a wife. Are you making the best use of what he does earn? What you earn together?
Why is it Mexican Americans can come to America, work very low wages and survive, while maintaining families? What is their secret?
What do you really want? To pursue a career, or stay at home-supported by him? What makes sense? Hint: Perpetual growth is the only thing that makes sense in the world as we know it.
Finally, judge no one. Not even yourself. Understand, comprehend, explore, examine but do not judge. Judgments are final.
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